Picking up off the floor

Yup, he did it again. Puppy had asked to go across the street to keep the old man company while he worked on his truck. I get so tired of arguing with him that I allowed for a five minute visit and no longer. It seems that five minutes was just long enough for him to search his surroundings and find exactly what he was looking for...cigarettes. But these were not just any cigarettes, they were those metal ones that come in screw parts to make one, probably for persons either trying to quit or wanting to smoke indoors while avoiding the smoke, I don't know.

So he had them in his pockets for about one hour on Monday. He could no longer keep the secret to himself and came to tell me, "Mom, can I talk to you?" I always worry what surprise is going to follow this question. He's a bright kid and begins to explain that they are not real cigarettes and that the man gave them to him. And this smart child makes sure he keeps them hidden in his room while revealing this information to avoid me taking them from him. I convince him that I have no clue what he's talking about and would like to see them. He brings them to me and of course I give him a speech I've repeated so many times before. I clearly see he's not handing them over, they are now his prized possessions. Remember that he is observant and mimics everything, so ripping them out of his hand or screaming and shouting are not the way to go here. I coach him to give them up without success. So our evening routine continues and he is finally in bed.

Tuesday morning he rises with energy and has at least taken my advice not to take them to school. He knows that unwanted behavior will remove him from the classroom on Thursday while they have their Christmas party.  While having breakfast we discuss all the negatives about the cigarettes and by some miracle he decides to comply and he throws the cigarettes in the kitchen trashcan right before the bus arrives to take him to school. What a huge relief it was for me. The sweet smell of success is actually a dirty stinky one.

Knowing my son like I do; I waited for him to leave and went to retrieve them from the trashcan. Their smell is strong and I put them in a plastic zipper bag. I take them with me with the intentions of throwing them away, but not before I take a picture...just for you guys. :)

He had taken off the wrap of one so that it wouldn't look like a cigarette, he thinks things through sometimes.

Now to continue about how well I know my son. We come home last night and he's pacing around the kitchen. Instead of going upstairs to change, I suspect he's up to no good, and I begin washing dishes. Puppy starts to get anxious and even asks me why I'm not going upstairs. Since I'm not leaving he decides to be the most helpful child and asks if he can throw out the trash for me, and of course I let him. I gave him a few minutes and when he didn't return I went to find him emptying the contents on the driveway next to the outdoor trashcan. He's usually nervous when doing mischievous acts and is constantly looking around for someone to see who is watching him. After a minute Puppy saw me standing there. He started cussing like a sailor and told me to "get the f*** out of here" and some other pretty words. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and was going to wait until he cleaned up all his mess. Puppy continued to empty and search the contents of the bag until it was empty. He was getting even more angrier and confused.  It was escalating and we were outdoors for the whole neighborhood to hear his screaming echos, just perfectly. I saw how determined he was to find them and was prepared to throw out all the contents of the large outdoor trashcan to find them. I told him he didn't find them because I had taken them out and threw them at a convenient store trashcan. I could see he was angry, but glad he didn't have to dig anymore. He gave me a few more selective words and we came inside to clean up. He cried and sought comfort and sympathy because his plan and his needs were not met. I hugged him and consoled him all the time asking him to jump in the shower and wash off all the germs from the trash. It only took about 30 minutes this time and he was showering. The entire evening went by with only a couple of soft hits to the walls with his head. Threats really, but no major tantrums, yea!

So what happened next? He switched his attention to his biceps. And again, after a lengthy talk about muscles he finally marched himself upstairs to bed. I was so tired after all the drama, that I actually slept like a baby.

Just saying

Let me start by saying, “This weekend wore me out.” I know some of you who know me and even spent time with me this weekend won’t understand. You’ll think that I took Puppy to my parents’ house and he did just fine, so why am I complaining and whining? It’s what happens behind closed doors and in our own home, and in our drives to and from here and there that are exhausting, stressful, tiring, worrisome, and even overwhelming.

Puppy has been having some strange behaviors lately. I’m blaming it a several things. One, his summer school class had to share a classroom with another group of students, so distraction and new observations took place for those four weeks. Two, even though he’s back with a familiar daycare, his routine was changed.  Three, the end of summer school was this past Thursday.  Four, he just now got the idea that he won’t go to school for a several days, but it’s actually about 6-7 weeks, I haven’t checked the school calendar for the return date. Five, going through puberty and being a teenager suck. Six, the heat and multiple days of 100 degrees as an average has not allowed him to spend those outdoor hours like he wants.  And seven, he had lower braces put in on Friday, too.

His observation skills are always at their best. So remember when I said he was recording bad words into his Mp3 a few weeks ago? Now he’s constantly saying bad words any chance he gets, any little disagreement with him triggers the mouth to spill the colorful words in both languages until he gets tired or causes self injury and distracts himself. There’s no such thing as time out because he’s outgrown it and doesn’t comply. I don’t spank him for fear he will repeat the actions since he mimics everything. And I kept myself from slapping him a million times because I know that’s abuse, plus he has braces, I see images in my head of the damage that a slap can do.  Spanking and slaps were okay when I was growing up, but now its considered abuse. Just saying.

Puppy is used to having his wallet taken away whenever he has unwanted behavior. So now he just puts it in my nightstand drawer whenever he misbehaves. He doesn’t even wait for me to ask for it. Then after an hour or longer, maybe even a day goes by, when he’s calmed down and, apologized he goes to retrieve it.

And the braces…since he had the lower braces put in place this last Friday – in almost three days Puppy has managed to wiggle his tongue in between his teeth and the wire that is on the brackets and pulled the wire out of place about nine times; and counting. Aside from learning how to put the wire back into place without light, but rather by touch, I have also learned another lesson; no more dental visits on Fridays. Just saying.

The repeating, the repeating, the repeating. Not only was Puppy repeating the foul language, he was repeating his request for hugs to Ms. H all week long. He was repeating he was going to behave because he wants presents and a birthday party in two weeks. He was repeating, "Where's Cody?" (our dog) a gazillion times.  Need I say more? Don't ask me to repeat this, please.

Today, Sunday, we woke up later than usual, which was no surprise since we went to bed at 1:30 A.M. the night before. So we stayed home and he was so anxious to leave and go somewhere, usually to my parents' so he can be outdoors. The stress of being home makes Puppy go stir crazy sometimes. Being bored caused him to cuss and then made him look for ways to upset and anger me. He went to make his cigarette box and paper cigarettes. I still pat myself on the back at how easily I can have the upper hand on knowing what he's doing when he thinks he's being so secretive. It always shocks him when I mention I know what he did. This happened twice on just Sunday alone.  He threw all his paper stuff away and apologized like always, and life went on. And we did finally go to my parents' in the mid-afternoon.

So yes, it was a long rough weekend whenever Puppy and I spent our quality time together. But actually, to be more specific, it was tantrum after tantrum and maybe a meltdown too during the last couple of weeks. I just didn't feel like writing about tantrums because it seems like I'm re-living them.  Just saying.

Our meltdown

It started off to be a wonderful Saturday.  Puppy and I woke up alright, meaning we didn't have any grumpy attitude.  I include myself in the "we", because I do wake up grumpy sometimes, too.

This morning we had a schedule to follow:  breakfast, maybe begin chores and head out the door to our support group meeting by 10:00 a.m.  I fixed Puppy his pancakes, I had my meal and coffee, we got ready and off we were.

This is one of two groups in which I participate. It's a small group of about eleven families, more or less, so as time goes by we are becoming closer and closer.  We are able to take our kids because the meetings are held at a local autism therapy center.  It's like an indoor playground for the kids and it works out pretty well to know we are all together.  So back to business, we had a few topics to discuss, fundraisers, an out of town field trip, participating in an event sponsored by another support group, parade float, and a Thanksgiving luncheon. Once those were voted on and penned, we began working on an arts and crafts project to make cornucopia decorations for our luncheon next weekend.  I was finally able to get a little adult time with the other moms as Puppy played and colored with the other kids. But it was obvious that he was getting tired and wanting to leave. He was pacing back and forth, and constantly asking me how much longer so no mistaking the signs for anything else.  Our meeting lasted twice as long, two hours, and too long for Puppy.

We were finally home.  Puppy started a conversation with me, and already I can't remember exactly what was said but I'm pretty positive it must have been about his obsession and him asking when he can get his wallet back.  He wasn't satisfied with the answer I gave him and he sprung up off the sofa.  He started walking in circles, angry and cussing. Knowing this is wrong he came back to me to apologize, over and over. Then asking again, when will he get his wallet back. Still, he didn't like the answer and so this time he hit himself on the head with a closed fist. He stood up and knelt back down next to me.  His face was red with anger, and his hand stretched out to push a potted plant off its table and crashing to the tile floor, soil and broken ceramic where it fell. He seemed frightened by the sound and rather surprised the pot broke, he wasn't expecting that.  Then, there was a smirk of satisfaction showing he got my attention until he saw my expression was unchanged.  He stood up again to pace, curse and think of his next move.  What came next was not what I was expecting.  He was filled with rage and ready to explode but didn't know how to release the pressure.  His arm went up and the clenched teeth let me know I was his target.  I could have moved, but could not have stopped him from needing to punch, it was going to be me or a wall or maybe Ms. H. who was still there with us.  She saw it coming and tried to stop him, but was unsuccessful. After ward, he quickly changed his thoughts and now it was a different anger.  Hitting was wrong, but he still needed to release all the intense emotions within and he began causing more self injury, punching his nose to bleed, his head, his chest. He even picked up a piece of ceramic and looking at me he threatened to cut himself.  Luckily, he is unfamiliar with cutting that he held the rounded side to his skin, then threw the piece when it didn't work. He stared at me, saw my sadness, crying. It wasn't pain from the punch but pain from the heart knowing I could not save him. Nothing I would say was going to erase his anger. He came over to me and placed his arms around me as I directed him to sit on the sofa.  I sat across him on the coffee table, trying my best to calm him.  He cried, I cried. He apologized and so did I.  How can I explain what is happening to him? He can't even explain it to me either. He hurts and it's so deep that it scares us both. I know that the actions are not how he expresses himself but rather the results of not being able to express himself.

Puppy sat across from me and apologized for all that he had done. In his eyes I saw a lost and confused little boy who wanted so badly to be happy, and to make me happy.  He listened and was able to calm down, hugged me and I had my son back. 

I went back and forth with the decision to write this post as detailed as it is, and decided that not enough people understand autism and if I don't tell our story, I'm not being an advocate for my son.  He can't speak about what happens to him because his disability holds him back and prevents him to tell his side of the story. I've even seen him erase episodes of meltdowns, as if it was another person and not him.  I actually pray he doesn't have memory of his meltdowns because they are horrible and painful. Everyone needs a second chance, and Puppy needs that chance, too.

Mother's Day and other holidays

The following is something I wanted to share, in relation to Mother's Day and other holidays. It was well written by Estee Klar and included in a blog by Kristina Chew, who wrote, "What I've Learned As the Mother of an Autistic Son (VIDEO) - http://tinyurl.com/3gz65dt and put on twitter by @autismbuttons (Richard Bolster). I want to make sure I give credit to everyone involved that helped me find the blog. Below is the section of her blog that caught my attention.

Kristina Chew writes:

My friend and "commadre" in Autismland, Estée Klar, sums up the pang and the love mothers of kids with disabilities may feel on holidays. She writes:

As an only child and single mother to an autistic son, I have to be honest that I sometimes find myself grumbling about holidays. I know it sounds very cynical of me, but hear me out. Another hallmark holiday can make me feel left out. Our kids are supposed to make us cards, buy us flowers, gifts and tell us how wonderful we are. Usually, there is a husband to make the kids abide if the kids are too busy playing Xbox. I remember fondly making those cards and telling my mom how much (and still do) love and appreciate her. In my case, my dad didn’t always have to remind me. Adam can’t make me a card; at least not without the help of another person. So, another holiday comes and that’s the pang....

As Mother's Day approaches, I think of the daily moments I share with Adam; how much we've been through together and how much I wanted him. I waited until my late thirties to have him. Other's have forced him to make cards and say "Happy Mother's Day mummy ... I wuv you," and he repeats it obediently, hands me the card made with construction paper and crayons. Sure, I love the card and keep them in a special box, but I know he doesn't care about it so much.

Today, he cares about the items he can make on his own volition. He cares about when I am there for him and can comfort him or love him just because. In return, I receive his voluntary hugs and kisses, his laughter, his smile, his pulling me towards him and saying my name. At night as I tuck him into his favorite blanket, he'll say in his little voice, "don't go."...

For us moms whose children cannot and may not make cards and say I love you this year, don't despair. I hear you and I'm with you. Be proud of your mothering efforts and happy that we are moms of our wonderful children. I don't know about you, but I never get the feeling that Adam doesn't love me. Just because he can’t always express it in words, or as slick as a Hallmark card, I feel ocean waves of love and appreciation every single day.

I couldn't have said it any better.

You're safe now

I am so proud of Puppy. He did something yesterday that we had only talked about, but hadn’t needed to act on.

After work I picked up Puppy from daycare as usual. He opened his backpack to show me a note from his teacher. No classes on Thursday and Friday, it’s the Easter weekend. Today (Wednesday, April 20) they are going to have a relax day in class. So her note read that the students are allowed to bring chips, candies, and cascarones to school for an afternoon party. Sounded like fun and now we had a short list of items to buy.

We had just been to Walmart the night before, so since Target is just across the street from it, I decided we could go there instead. So Puppy and I grabbed our cart and started walking up and down the aisles of Target. It wasn’t too busy and a pleasant walk, still for my tired feet. Puppy asked to go check out the toys. I was thinking he might be looking for an Easter item, and yet, I should have known better that he really meant video games like Xbox, play station, etc., even though we don’t have those components at home. Puppy has a DS Lite and so he knew precisely what to look for. We carefully flipped back and forth between another SpongeBob game or the new Megamind game. Actually, it was more like me convincing him he already had a couple of SpongeBob’s and it was time for a change. We got the clerk’s attention and Puppy had his new game in hand. We went back to walking and shopping.

As we continued, the dreaded moment comes up…he needs to use the restroom. I asked an employee nearby to refresh my memory and she gave us the location to the restrooms. He said he could go alone and would find me when he was done. So we went our separate ways like we have many times before. Great, more time for me to shop!

Did I forget to mention that we hadn’t been to Target in months? Take a moment. Sit back in your seats. Relax. You can do that. I, on the other hand, was summoned by the very loud overhead speakers to go to the service center at the front of the store. The thoughts that run through a mother’s mind can be devastating. Of course, my first honest thought was that Puppy detoured into the men’s section and was looking at wallets and may have innocently tried to put a wallet in his pocket to try it out for size…and was caught by security. I know, it’s a terrible thought, really bad, but the thought happened. Then thought number two: he fell down and is hurt. And I think there was a third thought somewhere, something to do with the restroom, but I forgot it already.

Anyway, I finally reach the service center, and there is Puppy with a big grin but with worried sad eyes. He had gotten lost and couldn’t find me. My heart sank, and I went over to hug him. I gave him my best “you’re safe now” hug and kiss. He tells me he didn’t know where to look so he showed the man his wallet that has my old driver’s license in it. He even recited my cell phone number to me, but said the guy wouldn’t call me. I was rather surprised to see him calm and relaxed. Well, I must be a pretty good hugger because he seemed to be over it within a matter of minutes and was ready to pick out his chips and candies. We finished our shopping and headed home with no mention of the incident.

Life is good. Our experience could have ended in with a very negative result. I am very thankful that it was a happy ending.

He says, "I love you"

I am guilty of taking things for granted. The worst part of it is that it took me hearing another parent mention she is waiting to hear her daughter say "I love you" when it hit me. For those who don't know this, emotions are not usually expressed by persons who are autistic. Most children learn emotions through pictures on paper. This is not instinct to them. They are unable to interpret facial expressions or feelings, etc.

I can remember when Puppy was 4 years old, we would go everywhere together and I'd have him in his car seat as we rode around. He was non-verbal then. I would look at him through the rear view mirror and say to him, "I love you." I did this several times everyday because in my mind I wanted him to know that he was with me because I wanted him to be, I made a decision to bring him home with me, and he was loved.

During this period, I was still unaware that Puppy was autistic, and I was just trying to get him to speak, to repeat words. Well, my silly act of trying to make him talk by repeating "I love you" finally paid off.

Today, Puppy tells me and I tell him how much we love each other. We've been doing it back and forth for years that I had forgotten how important those three little words really are. I can't imagine those words not being a part of our lives. It was and still is what keeps us bonding with each other.

In an earlier post I told about how I received my first hug from Puppy. I report that this has not happened again. I cherish that one hug. It was honest and I felt it came from his heart. But I am also certain that we will share many more hugs in the years to come. I'm not sad about it, I wait for it with anticipation. Why? Because Puppy loves me...and I love him.

And then it happened...

It had been a night just like most other nights. Puppy and I come home, check the fridge for something to eat. We eat supper, then do homework or watch a little T.V. and he heads off to take his shower before bedtime. But something different happened today.

Look in the fridge, check; sit down to eat together, check; make small conversation, check; clean up after supper, check, and so on.

After a few minutes, Puppy then comes up to me and says, "Mom, I'm behaving so good today?" I answered, "Of course you are." And then it happened -- My son leaned into me, put his arms around me, and held me tight for what was maybe three seconds! He stands back up and gives me a big grin.

There it was...my son's FIRST HUG! Never before had I received a hug from my son. Even when he's coached for one, his arms don't come up to embrace, he just leans in and I do the hugging. I always hoped he would eventually just learn to mimic when the time was right. Oh, the praise that he received and the joy I expressed made him bring his hands up to his chest and his fingers moved up and down, back and forth against his thumbs, as if to remove dirt or crumbs from them. This is his way of showing excitement, similar to hand flapping.

Wow! I'm still so moved by it. Some might say they have seen him hug, but no...this was HIS hug. It wasn't coached, asked for, or initiated by me. It was all him.

I know, I'm babbling now, but no one can imagine how thrilled I am this evening. It gave me a natural high for at least an hour. But re-living the moment will be with me forever.

My son is 12 years old and is a high-functioning autistic. Emotions are difficult for him to understand. We have managed to teach him the basics like happy and sad, but the others, are not so easy. But he has come a long way. Today was proof of this.

After you read this, if you have a child...give him or them the biggest hug ever.